The Great Redneck Mystery

Suggested Soundtrack: "Man of Constant Sorrow" by The Soggy Bottom Boys




I figured something out today:

I figured out why you will often see a hot girl walking hand in hand with a dirty, stupid-looking country boy around town here.

Here’s how it works:

We know that a beautiful girl can be born anywhere. So you take some town in the middle of nowhere, a town called Borington or something, and this town will have a fair number of good-looking girls. Among them, we have OUR girl. She’s not rich; her parents have never left the county. But watching TV as a child, she dreamed of one day moving to Hollywood and being an actress. She becomes a cheerleader in school and everyone knows she is too hot for Borington, that this girl is gonna do something someday. But a girl needs love, and that’s where our guy comes in.

He’s a corn-fed farm boy, who is of average looks and intelligence, who knows that he’s gotta work hard to succeed, and so he does, he throws football after football through the tire swing in his front yard, over and over and it doesn’t make him the best, but it does make him the best in Borington. He becomes the quarterback of the high school team.

They met during freshman year, and eventually get married.

His arm isn’t good enough for college, and neither are his grades. His uncle runs a farm equipment store, so he starts working there. She is in community college, or going to hairstylist school.

She may be married to a country bumpkin, but she reads Cosmo and watches Sex in the City. She knows what to shop for when she is out with friends. She looks good before she leaves the house. She loves her man, and would never think that there is anything wrong with him. This is kinda sweet in a way, her nonjudgemental love.


He, on the other hand, at one point just said, “Fuck, it. From now on, I’m stickin’ to t-shirts tucked into tight jeans, high-top Nikes, Texas-shaped belt-buckle, Cellphone holster, and my camouflage baseball hat with a fishhook on it. “


Then, when his uncle decides to expand his farm equipment empire, they up and move to “the big city,” where guys like me look at them and say, “Why the FUCK is that chick with THAT guy?”

It’s the only explanation I can think of.

I wonder if I went undercover if they would know that I was an imposter?


Until next time...