The Herbal Cleanse: An Exercise in Endurance

Suggested Soundtrack: "Lust for Life" by Iggy Pop


Here's the story: the people I watch football with on Sundays decided to do an "Herbal Cleanse." This is because one of the wives is a new-agey yoga-doing healty lady and convinced us all that we needed to do it. This 10-day cleanse would remove all of the crap that has accumulated in the folds of my intestines over the last 28 years. Sound like fun?

This is my daily journal from those 10 days. Note: if you have adverse reactions to the discussion of bowel movements, stop reading now. I shit you not, you'll be sicker than someone with kinetosis on a poop deck after reading the following crap that my mind excreted over the last 10 days. Feces.


MONDAY

I'm kinda glad I'm working today a) because it's slow, and b) because it's so crappy outside that I'd just be sitting around inside anyway.

Was up until 2:30am shopping and prepping my herbal detox crap, but it looks like I'm not gonna need to do much more shopping, which is nice. Here's some of it:

Today I feel a bit loopy from all the bizarre healthy pills and drinks and stuff.

Four of us that are on the program all work at Countrywide and we've been keeping in email contact with each other, for pep talks and so forth. Still too early for cravings. Unfortunately, the company provided lunch today, the guy sitting next to me is leisurely enjoying a plate of catered BBQ, and it smells really, really good. I look at my ziploc baggie full of raw broccoli florets and sigh. Just nine more days until I can once again enjoy terrible food.

My eating options at this point are limited to: cooked chicken and/or turkey breast;



hard-boiled eggs;


tuna (which I cannot and will not eat);

almonds (only 10 a day, though);


fruit (no pineapples);



and veggies.



My meat and fruit intake is somewhat limited (2-3 fist sized portions daily, blah, blah blah) but I can eat as many veggies as I like. The "no limits on the veggies" clause is meant to make me fear starvation less, but after 10 days of unspiced white poultry and rabbit food, I might prefer to starve rather than eat one more goddamn carrot. We'll see.

***

As it stands now, and as my work day ends, I have to say that I'm not hungry like I thought I would be. I'm just amazed at the amount of urine I've produced throughout the day. We're talking buckets here, gallon after gallon of crystal-clear pee. It's like a night of heavy beer drinking, without the awesome buzz.

Tomorrow the bad food withdrawals are supposed to start. Between now and then, I get dinner (one good protien, one good carb, one glass water) and before bed I swallow three horse pills loaded with fiber. Then breakfast, which consists of three hard-boiled eggs, a banana, and a glass of orange-flavored fiber drink. Mmmm...

Until Tuesday...


TUESDAY

The cleansing has started. The growler that I pushed out this morning was enough to almost stink me out of the bathroom. I actually saw a fly come in, turn around, and leave. The turd itself looked like a spotted python coiled around a pig, and the toilet almost couldn't handle it. When I did a courtesy flush, the water swelled up so high I had to lift myself off the seat a bit, and just as it was about to spill over - Whoosh!! - down it went, leaving me relieved and alone with that awful smell.

It was a bathroom adventure!

***

Getting up to go get water here at work, I realize that I feel like shit. I have kind of a buzz going on, and my body is weak. Back hurts. But I'm not hungry.

In other news, the gas has started. I knew it was only a matter of time before the broccoli and hard boiled eggs started coming out in this way.

***

It's later now, and it sucks worse. Headache, joints ache, but still not hungry. Matter of fact, I feel like I'm eating MORE now than I did before. Whenever a scheduled meal time comes up, I feel like I'm stuffing an already full belly.

Also, compared to the other participants, I'm not pooping nearly as much. Someone hit four poo breaks today! I'm kinda jealous. I expected a brown flood, but instead I just had my early morning blowout and nothing else. I did urinate a dozen times, though.

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment for a full checkup with blood work. Don't quite know what to expect, hoping that this change in eating patterns won't screw everything up. Hope I'm feeling better by then. Otherwise, I'll have to tell the doctor: "Yeah, I stoppped eating red meat and fatty foods, and these veggies are KILLIN' me!!!"

Until Wednesday...


WEDNESDAY

Yesterday I felt terrible. Headache, weak joints, dizzy, and a dry cough. Today I had, by chance, a doctor's appointment for a full checkup. I mentioned my aches and he determined that they're not being caused by the Herbal Cleanse. Turns out I'm feeling like crap because I have bronchitis!! Now we add antibiotics to my regimen.

I'm gonna stick with it, though!

Also, no poop last night or this morning! I must be full of it, though. Can't wait to see what comes out the next time I drop a deuce.

***

Everyone else seems to be doing a lot of pooping. I haven't crapped since I dropped that beast yesterday morning. I had a false alarm earlier, ran to the men's room, and sat down ready to rock. I expected a slew of slimy shite, and I was ready. Instead, I cut three loud farts and peed like a girl. If this keeps up I'm gonna burst.

***

Went home a bit early, because I feel like shit (even though I can't produce any).

***

It's later now, and I've pooped twice!!! They look like little slimy beans. As a bonus, they leave no residue. The toilet paper was as clean coming off my ass as it was coming off the roll. Between the food cost savings and now, the toilet paper savings, this detox might be a real money saver.


THURSDAY

Phase two has begun. Eating something called probiotics now. As I understand it, the PRObiotics are supposed to up the ante a bit, poop-wise. Since I'm on ANTIbiotics for my bronchitis, I wonder...are they counter-acting the PRObiotics I took this morning? Is it a wash, or will there be some kind of epic battle in my guts to see whether I lose my lung infection or shit myself silly? Just curious. We shall see.
Coughed myself awake about 30 times last night, so I'm staying home today. Made an Avocado Omelet topped with my patented "Niko de Gallo" (pico de gallo made by me). It is delicious.


A day off work + lots of pills + EATING HEALTHY = I better be well tomorrow.
Because this eff-ing sucks.



FRIDAY

Slept all day yesterday, waking only to eat and/or cough.
This morning, had a massive bloody nose in the shower.


Other than that, and the lungs, I feel really good. This heathy food diet is having an effect on me. I've already lost a bit of my "Desk Job Gut," and my gums don't bleed when I brush my teeth.

Herbal Cleanse: Your gums'll stop bleeding, but your nose'll start!


Some of the others on the cleanse are talking about going to a steakhouse and eating Grilled Salmon and Broccoli. My opinion on that is:
Sitting in a steakhouse while on this herbal cleanse = trying to quit drinking, smoking, gambling and sex and then going to Vegas for the weekend.

***

Just went for my second dump of the day. Only one stall was available, and the two rolls of TP were down to their last few squares. No problem for me, of course, since my dumps have been coming out clean as a whistle lately. A square (or two, at most) would be more than enough. Down I sat, out it came, wipe I did.
Uh, oh. This is atypical, I thought to myself, there's not supposed to be this much left behind!
Trying not to panic, I ration out the remaining one-ply squares, folding them into slightly thicker but perilously smaller squares to make sure that I a) don't use more than one square per wipe, and b) don't end up pushing my index finger through into my dirty butthole.
Unfortunately, I still run out of TP before the job is done. Now what?
The rough swipe of the ass-gaskets? No: All of the protective seat covers are gone too!
The embarrasment of asking my neighbor? No: It's a small office, rumor travels fast, and I don't want to be known as the Senator Craig of Amon Carter.
I would text a friend on the sales floor, but my phone was at my desk!!
Shit!
Literally! Shit!
What to do? I begin eyeing my boxer shorts, a "Plan C" I'd rather not have to fall back on. Finally, a break! The guy in the next stall finishes his business and steps out. I quickly reach under the stall wall and pull about 6 yards of TP over, rolling it around my free hand. Yes! Mudbutt averted!


WEEKEND

John and I kept each other honest, but talk got serious for a minute there about a run to the old Outback, to go out in a blaze of greasy glory with Cheese fries, ranch dressing, and medium rare porterhouses with loaded baked potatoes.

We were strong though, and instead enjoyed lemon pepper salmon, brown rice and steamed veggies.

Yum.

Stayed around the house all weekend. Sunday I read a novel cover to cover in one (long) sitting. My entertainment costs are WAY down.


MONDAY

Got an email this morning from one of the others gloating about his second crap of the day.
I've had two #2's so far today, also.

Or: Two two's, too.

First one solid, second one soft serve.

Probiotic packet and fiber drink = recipe for disaster. I have an hour commute, and if the timing had been off, I would've had to use my emergency boxers that that I keep in the trunk.
For dinner, I boil some brown rice, and toss it in a skillet with chopped carrots, snap peas, garlic, grilled onion, paprika and eggs. It is delicious.


TUESDAY
Two more days to go!! I feel great right now.
Just a remnant left of my hacking, phlegm-filled bronchitis cough, otherwise I'm healthy.
I have lost weight, but it is in areas that I was getting concerned about (mainly my gut), and my impending jowls are less prominent at this point, giving me (now) the torso and face of a 12-year-old. Again. Whee!


It's odd for me to consider that it has been 9 days now since I've had:
-a cheeseburger or slice of pizza (and I LOVE melted cheese)
-any of the things that go with burgers or pizza, like fries, onion rings, hot wings
-the one thing that goes with EVERYTHING above: ranch dressing - glorious, glorious ranch dressing
-a sip of soda
-any chocolate or candy
-chicken fried steak covered in white gravy with mashed potatoes, covered in white gravy
-steak, in general
-beer (I KNOW!)
-potato chips
-a bowl of cereal
-pasta
-a Pop Tart
-pancakes!!

...all of which make semi-regular to very-regular appearances in my weekly diet. This has not been easy. But I'm doing it, and I'm pretty fucking pleased with myself. I really didn't think I could do it. I am a lazy man, and a man used to having my way, but I suppose now that I can also say that I am a tenacious man, or (considering my food cost savings for the 10 days) a motivated cheapskate of a man. Either way, I did what I thought would be impossible. Now if I can parlay this into more healthy eating in general, I won't have to shock my colon like this ever again.

I wasn't perfect though. I had two moments of weakness, that I am not proud of, but that I will confess to nonetheless:
1. Had two glasses of Grey Goose on the rocks on Friday night (halfway through the cleanse celebration)
2. Ate one Wheat Thin, just one though (possibly while buzzed from the events of #1)

...which leads me to conclude that booze is off the cleanse regimen for two reasons:
1. It's bad for the cleanse process, and probably bad for your guts
2. When you're drinking, bar food (fries, nachos, wings) sounds delicious, and so does every bad restaurant you pass on the way home (Taco Cabana, Steak n Shake, Whataburger)

At any rate, I'm on the final stretch, and I can't wait to see how my first bad meal in 10 days sits in my stomach. Hopefully it's not a total shock. I've been frightened enough by my excrement lately.

***

I just got my third massive nosebleed of the week. Is this normal? I'm not snorting anything, or picking it. Could it be due to a lack of some terrible food that I should immediately resume eating? To be sure, I asked the cleanse organizer, Missie, about it. She replied:

"Surely you are drinking enough H20? Since you have bronchitis and you are on antibiotics it could have something to do with that? Not to mention it is VERY dry outside and the winds have been horrible contributing to lots of dry skin, allergy attacks, etc. I've never known a human to suffer from bloody noses due to lack of grease or alcohol in their diet?!!"

She has a good point. I used to get nosebleeds BAD as a kid, whenever the seasons changed. The last time I had a nosebleed was (deservedly) on the tail end of a terrible 72-hour drunk, and my recent nosebleeds are happening on the complete opposite end of the health spectrum, so I just wanted confirmation that it wasn't the fault of a good diet. Probably just an iron deficiency.

This shit is almost over.


WEDNESDAY

Off of work today, because I'm working Saturday. This will be an easy day.

Going putt-putt golfing with my friend Christian in a bit.

***

Holy shit. Pulled some crazy trick shots, got a lot on video, I'll put it on here soon. Almost done.

***

After a lunch of grilled tilapia and veggies, I go to get my hair cut. After the cut, I eat my first bad thing and it is oh so good: Gelato. Holy shit i missed sweets! Haven't had any dairy in 10 days. If my gas and bowel movements could possibly get any worse, the gelato will do it. It is a delicious treat, and well deserved.


FINAL THOUGHTS

The whole eating healthy thing is good, I feel fantastic and I can see the wisdom in eating lots of veggies and fruits. So I'm gonna do more of that. I saved a shitload of money by getting all of my food from the store, so I'm gonna do more of that, too. I need to eat fewer large meals, because spacing eating my times out made my energy last the whole day through. If I go back to my constant terrible food eating, I will feel like an idiot at this point, so that's a good thing too.
Being diet conscious is not a bad thing. But being a vegan is, though.


ALSO

Will be in San Diego on the 8th through the 12th. Friday night, dinner and booze! BBQ at Monica's on Saturday afternoon, where we will also be wecoming my father and his wife, who are celebrating birthdays. I head up to Palm Springs Sunday and Monday, and I'll be back Tuesady to fly out. Call me for more details! Hope to see you there!


ALSO

Still working on my massing post from last vacation to Oregon and Seattle. Soon!